Dear The Joybloom:
Hi, young adult female here. I am quite horny and become sexually active with my bf lately. But the issue is, no matter how hard he tries (I swear he really tries!), I just can't get there with him!
I used to get there with the help with vibrators when I was single. But now I don't want to just be able to cum with a toy when we are together. The tricky part is, I've barely been able to make myself cum with my fingers either—maybe only two or three times in total. I've given up on hands for my masturbations.
Well, stimulation, orally or other ways still feels good, but not good enough to make me cum. It upsets my bf more than it does me as he thinks maybe he doesn't do it in the right way. I'm feeling very lost, too. Is it because I'm not sensitive enough? Should I stop using vibrators or what? What should I do?
Hi Explorer ( I want to call it like this)：
Okay, first things first: you definitely are NOT broken AT ALL. Seriously. What you're describing is just so common in our DMs, we have received tons of messages like this. And we women always blame ourselves on this, which is not necessary.
The truth is, most of the women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. Research around the human sexual response cycle consistently shows that the majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
So right away to your 2 questions:
This is not about you being “not sensitive enough”.
And it’s not about your partner is doing something wrong.
What’s actually happening is:
Your body has basically been spoiled/well treated by the vibrator, in a good way! It's like your nervous system got activated by a sports car. Now, hands and tongues feel like a slower bicycle. It's not that they're bad; they just feel slower compared to what your body is used to.
That's why you will feel: Hands / oral / partner = feels “weaker” or slower. But not worse — just different from what your body expects.
Attention: Frustration creates a loop.
You may realize one thing that really important: It takes longer time or you start noticing it’s taking longer, which will create frustration. Unfortunately, frustration is the enemy of sexual arousal. It can trigger subtle performance anxiety, even if you don’t consciously feel anxious.
So you get this loop: different stimulations → slower buildup → frustration/think too much → harder to orgasm → more frustration. And you might escape from having sex with your partener soon.
Another thing that you need to know is: You’re still learning your body without “shortcuts”.
You mentioned you’ve rarely orgasmed with your hands/fingers. That only means: You haven’t fully built or let's say explore that pathway yet. And less practice with that specific type of stimulation for specific spots. Should you stop using your vibrators? Not necessarily. You don’t have to go extreme.
Forget the 'cold turkey' approach since it usually backfires and just makes you feel more stressed. Instead, try this: keep the vibrator, but treat it like a seasoning/appertizer, not the main course. Use it to get close to the edge, then turn it off and let your partner take over as you are ready for it. Or use it through your underwear so it's less intense. That's why we usually see vibrators is playing an important role for foreplay.
During sex: this is the real unlock. One reply said something very practical — and it’s absolutely correct: You will definitely need clitoral stimulation during sex.
Remeber, the mindset shift that changes everything. This part matters more than technique:
Tell your boyfriend to be chill. You both need to explore each other a little bit. Orgasms aren't a damn job interview he needs to nail. If he's getting frustrated, he will pass the pressure on you, and pressure is the ultimate killer for pleasure. Next time, if it's not happening, just laugh it off and cuddle. The goal is to feel good, not to 'finish' like a race or a task.
If you start thinking like:
“Why isn’t it happening yet?”
"Should I fake it to make him feel better?"
"How soon I will be cum?"
“He’s trying so hard but I am still not…”
Your body will pull away from orgasm.
Instead:
Stay in sensation, not evaluation. Enjoy the process and enjoy the connection between you and him. Also, this is important emotionally: Do not let anyone make you feel bad about how you get your O. Whether it’s vibrator/ hands/ your partner. If any of it works for your body, it’s valid.
You can try to have a healthy way to frame this going forward.
Instead of:
❌ “I can’t orgasm with him”
Shift to:
“I’m learning what my body needs or wants in partnered sex life”.
Don’t quit vibrators completely. Add hands together and starts with lower intensity sometimes. Bring stimulation into sex (don’t count on penetration alone). And remove pressure to “finish” from both of you. Try that consistently, and things usually start to change.
One last thing: Come As You Are. You’re not stuck — you’re just in a very normal phase of exploring how your body actually works and where the body will take you to.
